Tree Service Friend of Mine

I have a friend who is always doing something crazy with his life. The jobs he gets are always a little different and his hobbies are sort of extreme or just really weird. I’ve known him for almost twenty years now and he has gone through a lot of changes and a lot of phases, doing all these weird things that are also kind of cool.

He played in a punk band that was actually pretty popular around here back in the day. The band was never really huge but they got to work with some bigger names and they put out some legitimate material that got reviewed in some national publications. He also worked the local professional wrestling circuit for a while as part of a tag team. He worked at one of the coolest record stores, which was where I first met him. Later he got a job as a bouncer slash doorman at one of the local venues where they have a lot of cool indie acts perform, so no doubt this guy gets to meet some awesome people at work. One weekend it might be some washed up eighties hair metal band, the next it might be some punk gods from the seventies, the next it might be some one hit wonder from the nineties. Not to mention a lot of modern acts that could be playing this little venue and next year you might see them performing at an arena or a stadium. How cool would that be? It might make great news.

Not long ago, this friend of mine posted a status saying he needed a couple nice sized tree branches that had to be about six feet long. I didn’t ask what he needed them for right away, I just told him that there was a humongous tree that had fallen kind of over where he lives and that he could probably help himself to one of the larger branches before the tree service guys got there. I mean this tree had fallen over and it took out part of the homeowner’s fence, so you would think the tree service guys would get over there pretty quick.

So later I hear that my friend came over there, the homeowner happened to be outside when he pulled up so my buddy asked permission to go into the yard and look the tree over and see if he couldn’t get a nice branch. I guess for whatever project it was supposed to be for, it had to be something that still had the bark and the little branch nubs on it and not just a wooden rod. The homeowner didn’t care and tells him to go ahead. But then these tree service guys roll up with their truck and the little wood chipper in tow and they see my friend sawing away at this huge tree because he’d found what he needed and they’re like, “Hey buddy this here is our tree!”

I mean, nobody wants to see the rug get pulled out from under them while they’re doing a job, but it wasn’t like my friend was trying to take the whole danged tree with him. So I don’t know what these tree service guys were getting bent out of shape for.

Not only is my friend teaching martial arts classes these days, his hands are lethal weapons like Mel Gibson in that movie Lethal Weapon, but he’s also been dabbling in the black arts if you know what I mean. I never found out for sure but I’m pretty sure that’s what he wanted the branches for. He was going to make some sort of pagan staff for working his magick or maybe use it to build some sort of sacrificial altar in his back yard. So not only could he probably beat the crap out of an entire crew of tree removal guys but he could also put a hex on their saws and other equipment. You have enough occupational hazards to think about when you’re in the tree service business so you don’t want to put yourself in harm’s way and mess around with a martial artist who can also put a voodoo spell on you and your business. I wouldn’t, anyways.